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The Worlds Best Comebacks and Burns | Two and a Half Men

#TwoandHalfMen #comedy

Uh uh this is my housekeeper berta berta lydia choose your words carefully slim why thank you i watch what i eat going in or coming out first of all charlie was a planned baby what was i well you were a picture of margaritas in the gas station condom it’s a shame you’re paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife’s house and you’re not allowed inside

Either one exactly isn’t that the truth i think god gives us children so death won’t come as such a disappointment hey stud i don’t know what kind of sick twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days but i sure as hell ain’t cleaning it up charlie don’t be disrespectful thank you mom so how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange

For this puff piece looks like you got bit in the face by one of them ebola monkeys i don’t think sober i mean you weren’t exactly eye candy going in but now whoa you could scare the flies off a manure truck thank you oh come on it’s not the end of the world easy for you to say you’re not marrying into the addams family oh like you were a prize slipping a

Prenuptiable agreement into my fiance’s menu i am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery um mom every one of my surgeries was necessary and if i had signed a prenup you would never have gone to music camp and

Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of pennzoil charlie you ain’t just whipped your ropes saddled and gelded they could use you to give rides at kids birthday parties so lydia what do you do i mean besides my son i’m in real estate how interesting so am i oh yes evelyn harper i recognize you from your bus bench ads people all over town

Are sitting on your face well dear maybe someday if you work hard people will be sitting on your face too hey berta how’s it going back off zippy you want pillow talk you got to spoon me first excuse me uh i’d like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing alan you’re my son and i love you but you and i are

Through you smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of joe camel’s ass what am i supposed to do oh hang on let’s see if i got anything in here that might mask your stench all in cleaner no tidy bowl no how do you feel about taking a horse bath with a hunk of blue cheese anyway i have to string mr goto along until i have something to show him that actually

Is for sale oh i understand it’s called a bait and switch and it’s a felony oh well look at you taking the moral high ground and with nary a bottle or a inside are you kidding me who knows more about girls than your uncle charlie warren beatty bill clinton rosie o’donnell as i said teddy’s fine but there are some areas in which she just doesn’t measure up

To hugo oh ma it’s the biggest i’ve ever seen makes it worth eating dinner at 3 30. wow look who’s here the bride of drunkenstein wow that’s quite a rock you know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood stumpy oh great now we have to put on clothes for breakfast that’s the least of our problems all our leather gear is in the guest room

Super do you mind if i take your room my gee i trust me you want me to have a room with a private crapper courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements it’s your fifth wedding mom what do you need help with besides remembering the groom’s name yeah i’d cut him out of the wheel if i thought there was a chance he’d outlive me yeah i’m

Full but as long as we’re discussing dining choices why don’t you bite me did you find another lump on your pee-pee no mom my pee-pee’s fine i don’t know how worn down to a knob can be fine but all right can we pull over for a minute in this neighborhood in a mercedes sheriff you’re partial to car theft and sodomy take a left right up here that’s not a road

Well not during rainy season alan darling you were always the good son of course your brother didn’t set the bar very high you really shouldn’t see him like this jake there now you can enjoy your breakfast what’s wrong with him oh he’s getting old kiddo i wish you could have seen him in his bribe he was like babe ruth you played baseball no he was a drunken

Whoremonger hello beatrice darling lovely to see you you two-dollar yeah well you don’t know what you’re talking about because this relationship is not based on sex not based on sex well unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred dollar bills what exactly is going to keep you together charlie if i were going to pay 200 per hour for a man i would not be taking

Him to the opera hey brother would you grab me a beer sure jake grab your uncle a beer let him get it himself sorry i tried mom you’re on fire tonight it’s the new meds it mix well with flicker thanks culturally you’ve really given me a lot to think about hey hey hey nobody likes a smart ass not so sexy when it happens to you is it oh this looks interesting

Uh two-bedroom needs work up-and-coming neighborhood what does that mean uh up-and-coming neighborhood means the realtor didn’t think he could move the house saying drug ravaged battlefield you son of a so you weren’t the one who was of course not i already married the man i just can’t believe he’d cheat on me on our wedding day excuse me my father is lying

Here dead with his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo

Transcribed from video
The World's Best Comebacks and Burns | Two and a Half Men By Warner Bros. TV